Well, after 18 years of marriage, my dad and stepmom got divorced after my stepmom cheated repeatedly. Part of me believes the union was never truly blessed, even though they had great jobs, a great family and many things couples would kill for.
Scenario: Both you and your AP are married. You both get a divorce and marry each other. Should a marriage end in divorce, it should not matter whether your ex spouse is happily remarried or not. You start over with your own life. My ex and I have been divorced for a few years now. We divorced because he was involved with a coworker and he wanted to be freed from the marriage.
Even though they never married, he did remarry someone else, and I am happy for him. Time and forgiveness heals wounds. I want my ex husband to have a happy marriage. My children went through enough when we divorced, they are all adults now and have made relationships with their new step brother and sisters, and step mother. There is a new life for you when you can forgive others, and go on with your own life, who wants to live in the past, it better to forget what lies behind and press on into the future.
Sorry, that only exists in Disney. Reality is when people are hurt and betrayed, it sits inside for a long, long time. You hope that eventually the ex spouse will smarten up and at the very least admit his or her mistake. Unfortunately, we never get what we keep hoping for. Jane, sorry but your comment, like most here, reflects emotionally driven and undeveloped understandings. Going through the difficult process of therapy where you will learn to assume responsibility for you own feelings and behavior, instead of blaming others, will be worth the journey.
Please seek a qualified psychologist and find a truly wonderful life. Ps… Anita is right and far along the path of enlightenment. Sorry, Nope but you too are living in a fantasy world. I have always assumed responsibility for my own feelings. I was responsible in my marriage, an elder in my Church and spent all of my spare time with my wife and family.
Unfortunately, my wife had an affair with a church member, a one night stand with another man and a lengthy affair with a third man who she wanted to marry. In order to keep my family together I stayed in the relationship even though my wife never took responsibility for her bad choices. After 30 years, I still get strong feelings of hurt and pain even though I long ago forgave her.
It is something you deal with every day and to tell somebody otherwise is only branding them as being abnormal. Amen to that Gene. You can forgive and move on, but not forget.
Adultery and infidelity are not accidents or mistakes. Such intentional, willful deceit and betrayal leave deep deep scars. We learn to live with it but it never completely heals back to the way it was. So he got his cake anyway? You divorced because of the affair…did he ever try to get back together with you after that relationship ended? Telling me that he loves me is like telling me he loves his brother….
Maybe I have nagged too much about him discussing all the affairs….. Do you think there is someone out there for you? Why is it the CS find someone so quickly? Suzie, when I was dealing with my ex husbands affair and later divorce, I prayed everyday, it gave me the strenght I needed to get through. Forgiveness it one of the greatest gifts. When your hurt by someone, the worst thing you can do is hold on to that hurt. Hurting people hurt other people. But you also have a choice to stay, or to go.
But forgive. SuzieSuffers, Your husbands actions and choices, have nothing to do with you. You are not responible for what he does. These problems belong to him, he may decide to deal with them or not. I know your angry and hurt but forgive him. Your self esteem should not be affected by his issues. God loves you, and what your husband does, will be between him and God.
You are only reponsible for you. I am lost. I was in what I thought was a long-term, loving relaitonship that was leading to marriage. Or so I believed, and was given every indication through words, actions, etc.
Long story short. The man I beleived I would marry was actually having an affair at his workplace with a married woman.
Fast forward to less than one year. Pain and betrayl everywhere. I do not have those ansers. My ex who is now married to the person he had an affair with has shown no remorse towards me. He left me in the most brutal of ways, through lies and betrayal. All I want to know is if the two of them have any change at this new marriage of theirs.
Sunflower, I know your hurt, however be glad you found this out before hand. As far as this new marriage of theirs, forget him, and put him in the past.
If he really wanted to be married to you he would have, sorry I know that hurts, however it better to know now and leave this in the past. Someday there may be a wondeful gentleman who will treat you the way you deserve, this guy is not the one, count your blessings. The absence of any data in this article bother me, too. It seems to be written as a vindication to those who hope the new relationship will end in failure.
I was surprised by that statistic. A possible explanation is that about a quarter of such affairs involve monogamous people not serial cheaters who were married to the wrong person and it took meeting the right person to get them out of the marriage.
I think, at the end of the day, the author should extend a little compassion and acceptance to her brother so that the family can move on and be healed.
Leah were you the ow? In I had been married 24 years. He had been married for 21 years. We both decided to leave our spouses for each other. We married each other in In my current husband had a year long A with a co-worker. So now it continues. He said it was a mistake. He was 54 and she was 35, made him feel young again. Until she envisioned him completing her young family. So here we are in the year And it was foolish of me to think that I was the only one for my current husband.
Obviously not so. But I was and still in love with this man. Would I do it again? My son left his wife of 13 years and my 6 year-old grandson. Then, my son met a real skank and left his wife and my grandson to move in with her and my grandson was left by the wayside. Not to mention that said skank also left her husband and kids. My son has seen his family and former friends unfriend him from Facebook because she stirs up resentments when we welcome his ex-wife to our homes.
What are we supposed to do? But, it enrages his new wife. He once told us how wonderful this woman was and how he loved her because she encouraged him in his dreams and wanted him to soar as high as he could. The road to recovery will be challenging. Everybody say AMEN! I know having an affair was wrong. I am a Christian and I am disappointed that I let things get so out of hand.
A few months later he commented on a pic on Fb and we talked on and off for close to a year. The thought to leave my husband started before I even knew this guy existed.
Wow,reading your letter was like reading my life,my husband lied, cheated and moved out and in with his fling woman and a few months past and he wanted to come back.
Him ,he was distant,moody and was his selfish self doing nothing different and was still in contact with her. Yes i said get out go be with her. I would rather learn to move on than to have a life with him ,that is not the man i married and loved….. I as well as all others deserve a faithful ,caring person who wants them, not a selfish person who takes, blames and is clueless to the meaning of REAL love! To think back and see i was actually suicidal and am ashamed now that he had that much power over me because now 2 YEARS AFTER the fact i KNOW i am a great person yes with flaws but i am real no fantasy and am willing and able to work hard on showing my care and love.
Liz, No one deserves betrayal. Marriage has deeper, quieter gifts. Family, trust, security, safety.. Be glad your husband woke up. He started an email affair with an old girlfriend. Met her once and ended our marriage.
I felt weak because it took me so long to get over. A marriage CAN survive an affair. You will become stronger. Your husband does, now, seem to realize what he almost lost. Save your heartache. I do love my husband although I am not able to express those feelings the way he would like for me to right now! I think you can start to get over it if your husband knows how much he hurt you.
My ex woke up after four years. He realized he had no self respect or integrity. Words like loyalty, commitment, dedication, devotion and honesty made him feel shame. He has to be willing to give you a lot of time to heal from the betrayal. Ann, thanks for contributing to our site it is helpful to hear from people who have different stories and are in different stages of recovery. If this is not too personal I am curious to know if your ex is still with his affair partner and what he is doing with his life.
I think all of us hope that our spouses will eventually wake up and realize how stupid they were and how much they risked by their selfish behavior. I will never know how difficult the last four years was for you but I have to think that you have learned from this situation and have grown to be a stronger person because of it. He is no longer with his affair partner.
They did marry. She had also left a 21 year marriage. I no longer chat with him at all. He is now involved with another woman. Beautiful statement. The spouse that can be single for awhile has time for self awareness and discovery. My thought about affairs, is, a marriage can recover. I got to the point that I respected a man having an affair the not deciding…the loving his wife but drawn to this other woman more than I did my ex who ended a marriage after emails and one visit.
He had no emotional ties to me at all if he could do that. So, for those of you suffering from an affair, there is hope for your marriage. He could very well still love you …has made a horrible mistake.. Oh Ann!
I just came across this web site and been following your posts. In reading your posts, I feel there is hope for my future. My soon to be ex left me for another after 20 yrs, and your right, it never lasts. The hurt that I and his child feels is so unbearable. He too is now with someone else. I just hope I can over come all of this pain which is so so intense, and hope I can pick up the pieces and start a new life again.
I just found out 1 month ago that my H was having an EA with an ex from 20 yrs ago! And now they are in a full blown relationship. We had discussed divorce but I am trying to save our marriage. He has said he wants to give me a chance to show him the marriage can be saved and he suggested date night. He tells me he never wants to be a divorce man, but feels like its headed in that direction.
We still have sex and he has moved into the other bedroom. He says that after all the loyalty and the taken care of him he feels he owes it to me to show him that things can be better.
He leaves for work and gives me a kiss goodbye, when he leaves to go be with her he kisses me goodbye. I know this because I have overheard their conversations.
He says he gets that with the OW. Is he just stringing me along? I do believe some of this is a revenge affair also, it sounds a lot like it from the break free book. Our only real problem was communucation. Is he being real with me? But would do I do now?
The OW is probably providing him with the things that you cannot or did not, which is a tough obstacle for you to overcome, especially while he is still seeing her. I know this probably sounds like a broken record, but to be fair to you, he must end contact with the OW. How else can he truly work on your marriage? Basically, he wants to keep her around till he knows for sure about us.
But your right it is a half ass attempt on his part. I can hear the phone buzzing and usually he finds a way to answer again I look at that s hope. How long does an EA last? And it should. The hurt is just so terrible. Hi Toni — I was reading your post — and am very curious what happened? I hope you found your happiness!!
What is he doing? One date night? And it throws me for a loop. I feel so lost and not know what to do. My thoughts are with you! Why are you allowing him to treat you like an option? Once I confronted him and he came clean it was WAR because I was NOT going to just curl up and die and meekly hand over my husband of 28 years to a sweet-talking whore…..
Unfortunately we have children, pasts, futures and everything that goes with being with someone for almost 30 years involves. Artii, I used to be like you. Meaning, I thought I thinking like this made me a confident man. When, in fact, the inverse was actually true. I was not going to throw 9 years away over one very poor, hurtful decision. I believed that with hard work and devotion we could rebuild our relationship and marriage.
I guess my point is this, you never really know how you are going to react until the bullets start flying. I found that my false bravado was just that, false. It shows what really matters to you, and what you will choose to be strong for, to fight for.
Reading all these comments has my head spinning yet makes me feel a little better about me ending my emotional affair. I was involved in an affair for 12 years. We were really in love but neither of us would leave. I could never hurt my husband and go off into the sunset with my lover. He claims he could but what does it matter. I finally made the decision to be without him. We talk here and there as friends but I will not go back to it.
Problem is I think about him constantly and the pain of being without him remains and it is almost two years. Even though things are good with my husband there is this emptiness that is haunting. Will this pain ever go away? BethD, Thanks for sharing. In my opinion, it would be very difficult to get over the pain as long as you are still maintaining contact. Though my affair was no where near that long, I think your constant thoughts of the OP will go away eventually if you cut contact and put all your efforts, both physically and emotionally into your marriage.
I know you are right Doug. I have tried the no contact thing. It worked for a little while but then when he started to contact me again it hurt me to hurt him. I still love him and I know I always will. That is a given. I could write the book on affairs and I do know that no contact is best on paper anyway. At a certain point I was expending more time and energy maintaining no contact so I had to let it go. I try not to talk often. The hardest thing I am fighting is the fact that I feel I was happier when he was in my life as my boyfriend.
Crazy huh? I would say extremely selfish. Let your husband go so he can find somebody else, somebody who will love and cherish him. The prescribed solution is to sever all contact with the affair partner.
As long as you maintain contact, the feelings would not have any chance of fading. If you can cut out all contact with the AP, and all reminders of them, too, then perhaps you can develop those same kinds of feelings for your spouse. I have had a committed love for my wife since I was 15, which enable me to wait as the years it took to finally marry her.
Leaving a relationship of 12 years will take some adjustment. Cutting out a person from your life after that long will take some time to get used to. The pain will fade over time. As you draw closer to your spouse, a renewed sense of intimacy will have a chance to grow and spread into those empty parts of your life and heart.
Changes like that take time. It is always important to allow time to bring the changes we need into our lives. There may be some guilt for a while the haunting aspect. That too will fade. Another thing that helps some people is helping others. Jeff, I know a 12 year affair is crazy but we were just too connected to let it go. I wish getting closer to my spouse would do the trick but the crazy thing with me is my marriage was never bad.
Love my husband to death but different kind of love. His wife caught on because I guess she got tired of living like brother and sister. I think she also got scared since the kids are 0lder and the last one home leaving the nest soon so she was afraid he would leave. I never blame her. She fought for her marriage but of course it was the beginning of the end for our affair. When I speak to him I can hear the misery in his voice. His marriage is worse than ever and maybe that is a good thing.
When he had me I made his life and marriage tolerable. It is just so hard to let him go but I know it is for the best and the right thing to do morally. As you say, it allows someone to avoid either: 1 Trying to fix the marriage; or 2 move on. So by not going back into it, you are forcing a change in the status quo, for better or for worse. Maybe, just maybe, he can look deep inside himself and allow things to get better.
That is correct. I always felt that the affair masked what problems we both had in our marriages. For me it was intimacy issues since my husband has medical problems. Our love and affection was there however as well as a great friendship and partnership.
His marriage was cold and the only thing they seem to have in common is the children. I wish i could believe that he will look deep inside himself and allow things to get better in his marriage. Most likely he will try to replace me instead of working on his marriage. Truthfully I have lost respect for him for living this pretend marriage and not even trying to make it better. He claims I am his soul mate. Not sure I even believe in that.
Often it is yanked away from you when things are great and that is what makes it so hard to get over.
To steal a bit from Dr. Bill Doherty, the difference btw a marriage and an affair is the difference btw being a citizen and a tourist. A tourist sees the nice hotels, and the beautiful beaches, and leaves. The citizen sees the bugs, the weather during non tourist season, and some times the abject poverty away from the tourist areas.
A tourist has fun, and goes back to thier boring, stable normal lives. A citizen has to deal with the mess. Linda, What a great article! I really appreciate your insight on this! My husband had multiple affairs and his last one got completely out of hand and the OW wanted him to leave us for her.
And sadly he contemplated it. I have linked your sight quite a few times already. I really enjoy your articles. You have a lot to share! Especially considering the statistics. They lived whatever they thought they had in a bubble. Go see how elicit your feelings are after you have to be REAL for a few weeks. Many who have affairs actually end up becoming addicted. Not just to the sex or excitement but to the affair partner. When they decide to end the affair they literally go through withdrawl.
Those feelings of depression and anxiety and constant agonizing thoughts about the other person lead your spouse to wrongly assuming that because it is so hard to end the affair and because it is so hard to stop thinking about them that they must be meant to be. Alecia, you know what I will never understand is why they become so addicted to their lovers, what makes their lovers so special or addicting compared to all the love and commitment shown by their spouses. Would they feel the same way toward their husbands and wives as they do toward their lovers?
If they left their spouses would they feel as lost and hopeless as they do after they end their affairs? It is a known fact that addiction plays a huge role in affairs. I rationally knew if I left my husband for my OM it would be a huge mistake.
I never seriously contemplated it. First of all I knew I could never live with myself if I did that to my husband and second I knew on a day to day basis my husband was a great partner. Yet I could not leave my lover. I tried so many times in the first three years. I never felt at peace and although I like to believe I was a devoted wife to my husband I know at some level it had to affect my marriage.
When we broke up for the final time I felt the worst pain of my life. It was akin to the death of my parents. I not only was sick for me I hurt for him and what pain he was going through. Withdrawal was the pits. I am still not over it and I fear it can start up again at a moments notice.
It is a constant struggle in my life and it is the same for him. I pray alot. If your H has made the decision to leave for the OW then let him go. The newness will only last so long and when the problems of the first marriage start raising there ugly head it will all go pear shaped.
It happened to me recently and he is constantly trying to make me jealous which makes me automatically think there is something not quite right. Yes they would. I know if I left my husband I would miss him terribly. He is a wonderful man who deserves the best in life. I honestly think I loved both my husband and my OM. Yes it was double dipping for sure. It was wrong morally etc etc etc Yet part of me will not regret having my OM in my life.
It was the best of times…it was the worst of times. I think when you do meet someone else you connect with like that the friendship is just as hard as the sexual addiction to let go.
Of course the sex part is even harder. It is forbidden, it is hot, it is crazy. It is something that is really hard to get in your marriage when you are with someone every day no matter how creative you are. I use to judge people who cheated and then it happened to me.
Trust me you become so out of control it is like a drug you need to have. My life will never be the same and that is my punishment. I feel like I will love and care for my OM till the end but my decision is to devote myself to my husband. Noone however knows what the future holds. I can see how you might feel that way.
But can I just encourage you to keep working at your marriage? You are in control of your feelings and your thoughts. And it is an injustice to your marriage to hold on to thoughts and feelings of your OM. If you want your marriage and your heart to heal than you have to be willing to let that go.
If not, than yes, I agree, you will continue to struggle and may even fall again. If you want your marriage to not just survive but thrive you have to get them out of your heart.
It is possible. When your married and you meet someone that makes you feel that way you should get away fast. You know, I think this site has actually answered that question quite well in another post.
They were actually only meeting one or two of their needs. The spouse was meeting the rest. What we have to do as the scorned spouses is learn how to meet all of our spouses needs. It was the nature of our relationship at the time. Yes he was being incredibly selfish in his behavior but I needed to approach it differently. My love language is not words of affirmation so it is something that I have to be deliberate about or I end up not meeting my husbands needs. He would go to work and interact with these women who would throw complements and flirations his way that skyrocketed his feeling of affirmation.
There was such a gap between what I was giving and what the OW was giving that an affair was a definite possibility that eventually became a reality. Sometimes it just happens and some people like excitement in their life.
I am probably one of them. Drama always seemed to find me. Your husband may be that type. You sound wonderful and i admire you talking this out with your husband. My biggest problem with my OM spouse was that until recently she never mentioned what was going on with them.
She just played her pretend marriage out and appeared to be content. My OM use to put her on speaker phone so I can hear the conversation. It was so cold between them I could feel the chill. Almost like they were on remote control.
Never understood that. I have a great friendship with my husband. I am glad for you that things seem to back on track with you and your spouse. I wish you the best. As for me I am contemplating going back to no contact. I think I am getting to the point that talking to him even as friends is keeping me from moving on. Putting their conversations on speaker phone for you to listen to?
That is incredibly disrespectful. That, as much as anything, made me question why I was with my husband. How can he be attracted to someone who could be that much of a backstabber? How is someone like that even appealing? You deserver better, but there is no question—none at all—that his wife deserves better still.
It is a constant struggle for me to try to separate the reality from the fantasy. Yes our times were great and fun times as opposed to real life things. I did however, have some awful break ups and of course challenges in the course of all those years with my lover. Whatever your relationship has going for or against it, affairs usually end in one of the following ways:.
Only a tiny percentage of affair relationships even end up at the altar. And most of those marriages eventually end in divorce or separation. Maybe it already has.
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. Share Pin 7. Buffer 2. Fear of conflict with your spouse. Fear of feeling vulnerable. You argue and put up walls between you and your spouse, which causes loneliness, which leads us to the next trigger. Feeling alone, misunderstood, or unappreciated.
You miss that feeling of connection. Addiction to romance. I felt like I was plan B, but we had become so close that I was always very honest about this with him and we worked through it together.
Two years on and we live together and have spent a lot of time discussing what we will call our future children. Our biggest problem now is his terrible taste in names. I have been married for 14 years and we have two children, 12 and I have always worked as an interior designer and generally work from home to fit around school runs and pickups. I was always the rebel as a child and the role of a mother took me by surprise but I embraced it and put the children first.
I was very happily married at the time, so the affair took me by surprise, but it was a very welcome one. Once nearly everyone was gone, I was left with one of the dads. We talked about our lives, hopes for the future for ourselves and our kids and I felt excited about life again, but I was drunk. We met every few days from then, in different places and for different reasons but generally for drinks and sex.
The other dad felt the same as me, excited and young again. I felt like I was living for the first time in ages. Unsurprisingly, my husband took it badly.
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